Ilsang

The Simpsons - 20x03 - Double  Double  Boy in Trouble

1

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The D'Oh-Ghnut Team

2

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{\THE LEFTORIUM

NEXT RIGHT}

3

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4

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How did you ever come up

with an idea like crazy bowling?

5

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I googled "girls having fun"

6

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and after wading

through 97,000 pages of porn,

7

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I found "crazy bowling".

8

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That's odd. There isn't a single man

in this whole bowling alley.

9

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The pin!

10

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It's pretty sad when I can't pick up

a guy on super nacho tuesday.

11

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- Where'd they all go?

- You know men,

12

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probably at a baseball game

or a bar.

13

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Come on, you pansies!

14

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I've seen fiercer fights

in parliament!

15

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Yes, what is this,

prime minister's question time?

16

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Is it that?

17

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18

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19

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There's no better violence

than self-inflicted violence.

20

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Thanks for bringing me here.

I'll remember this day on my deathbed.

21

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Not everyone has a deathbed, son.

You could die suddenly.

22

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Maybe some punk kid

will shoot me to get into a gang.

23

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Maybe.

24

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Three hours of half-naked guys

fighting like animals.

25

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Just like the ancient romans.

26

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Except their empire

was falling apart.

27

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Stupid romans.

28

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Ask him.

29

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Sir, could you sign my program

with a swear word?

30

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Filthy but obscure with a subtle

scatological undertone.

31

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Sure, no problem.

25$ please.

32

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Pay the man, boy.

33

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Now, listen,

34

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I know we saw

some awesome beat-downs tonight,

35

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but remember,

don't try this at home.

36

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Do it at the schoolyard.

37

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Someplace where, if you get hurt,

we can sue not just them

38

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but the school, the county, the state,

and that jackass Joe Biden.

39

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Python neck clinch and...

40

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Out.

41

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Maybe I was promoted

to green belt too early.

42

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Next victim.

43

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Here we go.

44

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- Where's your brother?

- I don't know.

45

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Chasing ducks, buried alive?

46

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He'll be missed.

Let's move, I got to collect pine cones.

47

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Die, die, die!

48

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Just follow the "dies", mom.

49

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Why me?

50

00:05:24,365 -- 00:05:26,575

I'm glad

your father isn't here to see this.

51

00:05:26,909 -- 00:05:28,745

52

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Kill, kill, kill!

53

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Bart, let him go.

54

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But mom, I'm winning.

Look at this... his lunch money.

55

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God didn't give you legs

so you could use them as scissors.

56

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I was just doing the moves

I learned from Ultimate Punching.

57

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Ultimate Punching?

58

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- "Ultimate" makes everything worse.

- Not Frisbee.

59

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- Otto, don't you have a sack to hacky?

- Indeed I do.

60

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One...

I messed up.

61

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One...

I messed up.

62

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One...

I messed up.

63

00:06:02,236 -- 00:06:05,156

I'm going to put a stop

to this Ultimate Punching.

64

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You can't stop an entire sport.

65

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You'd need several other mothers,

some school officials and clergymen.

66

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A place to meet.

Some snacks.

67

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- What else?

- A phone tree is invaluable.

68

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How you fixed for staplers?

69

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Those fliers don't stick

to phone poles by themselves.

70

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Nelson,

you really have a knack for this.

71

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When I grow up,

I hope to go into event planning.

72

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Maybe someday

you can do Lisa's wedding.

73

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I'd like that.

74

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- My god.

- So violent.

75

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- Bumped his nose!

- He hit him.

76

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This goes on for a while.

77

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Call me a killjoy,

78

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but I think that

because this is not to my taste.

79

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No one else

should be able to enjoy it.

80

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I'm all over that.

81

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Mom, don't do this.

82

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This sport is as fun for me

as having kids is for you.

83

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Tell her, dad.

You love it even more than I do.

84

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Ultimate Punching

is exploitative, violent,

85

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and a bad influence

on our young people.

86

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Studies have shown she's right.

87

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What the...

88

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Chocolate, whipped cream,

cherries...

89

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She got to you

with a piece of black forest cake.

90

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It wasn't just a piece,

91

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it was the whole cake!

92

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Frosting like snow

93

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on the eaves of a Bavarian castle!

94

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- Glad you didn't come cheap.

- I couldn't help it!

95

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She knew my one weakness.

96

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That I'm weak!

97

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One, two, we say boo!

98

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Three, four, stop the gore!

99

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Five, six, who's got tix?

100

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Seven, eight, use that gate.

101

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We need to take this

into the belly of the beast.

102

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Mr. Scalper, give me a ticket.

103

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I am not a scalper.

104

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I am a dude

whose 200 friends did not show up.

105

00:08:04,693 -- 00:08:07,529

- What do we do now?

- Let's talk about her behind her back.

106

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Have you ever noticed

how her baby never says a thing?

107

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I think it saw something awful.

108

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- Me, too.

- That's exactly what it is.

109

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What else could it be?

110

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That woman has natural breasts.

111

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This can't be good.

112

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I'm Marge Simpson,

and I will not rest

113

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until you tear down this septagon.

114

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What?

115

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Crazy dame.

Nobody tears down the septagon.

116

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Except for the arena crew,

because Hufflesnuffs on ice

117

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needs the space tomorrow.

118

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Wait a minute, I have a better idea.

119

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Marge, I'm Chett Englebrecht,

120

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UPKCC founder, commissioner

121

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and public face of the sport.

122

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Pleased to meet you.

123

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Guys, please.

124

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When you yell like that,

no one can hear me.

125

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I'm here to ask you

one simple thing:

126

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please go out of business

and donate all your profits.

127

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At least in other sports,

they're trying to put a ball in a net,

128

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or a zone.

129

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But in this sport

they don't put anything in anything.

130

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And if they did,

I wouldn't wanna see it.

131

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- Okay, you win.

- What?

132

00:09:35,326 -- 00:09:37,702

Annoying lady,

you make a great point.

133

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I am going to shut down this sport.

134

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- Really?

- If you meet me in the septagon,

135

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fight me, and beat me.

136

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What? That's crazy.

137

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What's wrong, Marge?

Do you have to ask your husband?

138

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Good one!

139

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140

00:09:57,472 -- 00:09:59,349

That flattens my soda pop.

141

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You're on.

142

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- What'd I miss?

- Nothin'.

143

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Mom, you can't fight that guy.

144

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Yeah, he'll knock your block off.

You're beautiful block.

145

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Thank you, Homie.

146

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Listen, of all the crazy things

I've ever done,

147

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this is the craziest,

and you're doing it.

148

00:10:20,162 -- 00:10:21,579

I can't back out.

149

00:10:21,704 -- 00:10:24,290

This is for a cause

that's bigger than I am.

150

00:10:24,415 -- 00:10:28,127

If Gandhi could go without eating

for a whole three-hour movie,

151

00:10:28,252 -- 00:10:29,462

I can do this.

152

00:10:29,630 -- 00:10:32,465

Besides, I'm a woman.

He'll probably go easy on me.

153

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- Or kick the crap out of you.

- Watch your language, moron.

154

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155

00:10:50,234 -- 00:10:52,235

If I'm going to open a can

of whup-tushy,

156

00:10:52,360 -- 00:10:55,905

I'd better get in shape

with some rhythmic gymnastics.

157

00:11:06,042 -- 00:11:08,585

We gotta stop her

from going through with this fight.

158

00:11:08,753 -- 00:11:11,546

This goes against every feminist bone

in my body.

159

00:11:11,671 -- 00:11:14,048

But dad,

can't you control your woman?

160

00:11:14,173 -- 00:11:17,260

How can I control her?

I have nothing to withhold!

161

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Man... now she's writing cutesy things

with the ribbon.

162

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163

00:11:23,140 -- 00:11:24,934

164

00:11:29,355 -- 00:11:30,773

Homer, this is bad.

165

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One unlucky punch

and Marge could be bedridden for life.

166

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Unable to move anything

but her left toe.

167

00:11:39,949 -- 00:11:43,536

Marge, if only I knew

what these paintings meant.

168

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169

00:11:46,330 -- 00:11:49,750

I know the woman I loved

is still in there somewhere,

170

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behind all this nonsense.

171

00:11:52,795 -- 00:11:54,881

We gotta get her

some professional training.

172

00:11:55,049 -- 00:11:57,925

Carl, do you know heavyweight champ,

Drederick Tatum?

173

00:11:58,050 -- 00:12:00,803

What? You think just 'cause I'm black

I know all other black people?

174

00:12:02,306 -- 00:12:04,432

Actually, Drederick and I

are very good friends.

175

00:12:04,557 -- 00:12:07,977

We met through Dr. Hibbert at a party

at bleeding gums Murphy's house.

176

00:12:08,394 -- 00:12:10,647

You have definitely come

to the right crib.

177

00:12:10,980 -- 00:12:13,691

I'm always happy

to impart my pugilistic prowess

178

00:12:13,816 -- 00:12:15,235

to a punching parvenu.

179

00:12:15,403 -- 00:12:18,446

Now, the first lesson

will be to work the tattoos.

180

00:12:19,490 -- 00:12:23,159

Flaming skull. Obama.

Scooby-doo. Scooby-doo.

181

00:12:23,327 -- 00:12:26,537

Now, work "The Lord's prayer".

I'm gonna order some lion food.

182

00:12:26,662 -- 00:12:29,582

Hello? How you doin'?

I'd like to order two gazelles,

183

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an impala and throw in

a couple of wildebeests.

184

00:12:32,376 -- 00:12:34,962

And a two-liter bottle

of diet cherry cola.

185

00:12:35,087 -- 00:12:37,715

You just have one-liter bottles?

Cancel the whole order.

186

00:12:39,425 -- 00:12:43,012

The second element

of mixed martial arts is jujitsu,

187

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in which we use an opponent's strength

against himself.

188

00:12:46,474 -- 00:12:49,602

But I sneak

some of my strength in there, too.

189

00:12:50,352 -- 00:12:53,064

Now, attack me with great anger!

190

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Surprising move!

191

00:12:57,485 -- 00:12:58,527

Next: Homer!

192

00:13:02,573 -- 00:13:06,202

Now, we stick foot in mouth,

tie arms like pretzel,

193

00:13:06,327 -- 00:13:09,330

and pop discs in spine

like bubble wrap.

194

00:13:13,083 -- 00:13:15,586

- Is he okay?

- He feels no pain.

195

00:13:17,087 -- 00:13:19,382

Sorry, my English is not so good.

196

00:13:19,507 -- 00:13:22,134

I mean, he feels only pain.

197

00:13:24,263 -- 00:13:27,723

Back when I wrestled at Yale,

I was in the lightest weight category.

198

00:13:27,848 -- 00:13:28,933

"Ether weight."

199

00:13:29,308 -- 00:13:32,186

Get ready to face the wrath

of the "New Haven Nuisance"!

200

00:13:43,614 -- 00:13:45,698

Side-mount! Takedown! Advantage!

201

00:13:45,823 -- 00:13:48,620

Reversal! Reversal!

Clinch! Clinch, I say!

202

00:13:49,662 -- 00:13:52,290

Listen, I'm late for a PTA meeting.

203

00:13:53,165 -- 00:13:54,417

In order to save money,

204

00:13:54,542 -- 00:13:56,669

the following presidents

will not be taught:

205

00:13:57,086 -- 00:14:00,256

Buchanan, Fillmore,

Pierce, Bush, Bush...

206

00:14:01,090 -- 00:14:02,092

Stop that!

207

00:14:02,508 -- 00:14:04,635

Saratoga slam!

Aristotle's dilemma!

208

00:14:04,760 -- 00:14:07,096

Knickerbocker knucklebreaker!

And so on.

209

00:14:09,223 -- 00:14:12,977

I bet we got ten minutes

'till the kids wake up.

210

00:14:18,273 -- 00:14:21,111

Tomorrow night your bedroom

will be the septagon.

211

00:14:21,279 -- 00:14:23,446

Your sleeping pill

will be my punches.

212

00:14:23,696 -- 00:14:25,365

What's that book you're reading?

213

00:14:25,614 -- 00:14:27,158

Eat, pray, love.

214

00:14:27,326 -- 00:14:29,368

More like "beat, slay, shove!"

215

00:14:29,493 -- 00:14:31,912

The fireworks begin tomorrow!

216

00:14:34,206 -- 00:14:35,542

I said tomorrow!

217

00:14:35,833 -- 00:14:39,379

- No can do. We're out of fireworks.

- Why'd you shoot 'em off now?

218

00:14:39,629 -- 00:14:43,550

I have trouble concentrating.

I should be on antidepressants.

219

00:14:44,258 -- 00:14:46,219

- Where was I?

- Beat, slay, shove.

220

00:14:46,387 -- 00:14:48,387

Right,"beat, slay, shove!"

221

00:14:48,512 -- 00:14:51,140

The fireworks start tomorrow!

222

00:14:52,766 -- 00:14:55,060

I found some more, but that was it!

223

00:14:58,897 -- 00:15:02,026

A lot of people think

bullies are born awesome,

224

00:15:02,151 -- 00:15:04,570

but the fact is, we have to train.

225

00:15:04,695 -- 00:15:07,948

You don't get garlic knots like these

unless you work the bag.

226

00:15:14,121 -- 00:15:17,249

- Is there someone in there?

- It's my own fault.

227

00:15:17,374 -- 00:15:19,960

I looked them in the eye

when I gave them my lunch money.

228

00:15:20,085 -- 00:15:22,254

Someone should tell your principal!

229

00:15:22,379 -- 00:15:23,882

I'm aware of the situation.

230

00:15:25,384 -- 00:15:27,761

231

00:15:33,392 -- 00:15:36,769

I came here to tell you

it's not too late to back out.

232

00:15:36,894 -- 00:15:40,231

I can't back out,

because if I fight him tomorrow,

233

00:15:40,356 -- 00:15:43,817

it'll be a less violent world

for you kids in the future.

234

00:15:43,942 -- 00:15:45,779

There must be a better way.

235

00:15:45,904 -- 00:15:46,905

Certainly!

236

00:15:48,697 -- 00:15:50,908

Marge Simpson reporting for duty!

237

00:15:52,703 -- 00:15:55,162

Dad, I keep telling you,

that won't work.

238

00:15:55,287 -- 00:15:58,500

Let's go, Marge.

My class reunion starts in an hour.

239

00:15:59,375 -- 00:16:02,628

I have a confession to make.

I'm just Homer dressed as Marge.

240

00:16:02,753 -- 00:16:05,256

Yeah, but last year

I took Barney dressed as Marge.

241

00:16:05,381 -- 00:16:06,925

They'll think you look better.{\Think how much butter

they'll think you look.}

242

00:16:08,050 -- 00:16:10,928

You'd better not leave me

and talk to your friends all night.

243

00:16:11,053 -- 00:16:13,264

Keep talkin' like that

and I'll leave you here now!

244

00:16:15,101 -- 00:16:18,186

Krusty, I'm honored

you invited me tonight.

245

00:16:18,354 -- 00:16:21,397

Yeah, I thought a noisy public place

would be the best spot

246

00:16:21,522 -- 00:16:23,358

to tell you

I've been dating your wife.

247

00:16:23,526 -- 00:16:24,359

What?

248

00:16:24,527 -- 00:16:26,527

Also, could you tell her

I'm dumping her?

249

00:16:26,652 -- 00:16:28,904

After 11 years the thrill is gone.

250

00:16:31,615 -- 00:16:33,493

I tried my best

to talk you out of this.

251

00:16:33,661 -- 00:16:36,370

But since you're going through

with it, I beg you,

252

00:16:36,495 -- 00:16:39,916

just stay out of his way

and don't get hurt.

253

00:16:40,165 -- 00:16:44,129

Mom, if you punch him in the junk,

you'll get no disrespect from me.

254

00:16:44,254 -- 00:16:45,964

Did you know that's a haiku?

255

00:16:52,970 -- 00:16:55,347

Time to square off in the ring...

256

00:16:55,472 -- 00:16:57,558

That is the septagon!

257

00:16:57,683 -- 00:16:59,769

In this corner, weighing in at...

258

00:16:59,937 -- 00:17:02,313

Nobody needs to know that!

Skeep ahead.

259

00:17:02,438 -- 00:17:04,940

Stands

the "mom I'd like to fight"...

260

00:17:10,031 -- 00:17:13,907

And four obtuse angles over,

weighing in at 115 pounds,

261

00:17:14,199 -- 00:17:16,535

Chett Englebrecht!

262

00:17:22,794 -- 00:17:24,543

And, now...

263

00:17:24,668 -- 00:17:27,547

Let's begin to rumba!

264

00:17:27,715 -- 00:17:29,466

We've been ready for hours!

265

00:17:29,634 -- 00:17:33,093

I had car trouble!

266

00:17:37,225 -- 00:17:39,142

Don't worry.

Don't want to hurt you.

267

00:17:39,725 -- 00:17:41,144

I knew it!

268

00:17:43,353 -- 00:17:46,650

That's the first time I hit a woman

I didn't love.

269

00:17:50,319 -- 00:17:53,113

Come on! Get back on your feet!

I believe in you!

270

00:17:53,238 -- 00:17:55,366

- I'm doin' it, Moe!

- Not you.

271

00:17:55,491 -- 00:17:57,618

Thank God.

The pressure's off.

272

00:17:58,911 -- 00:18:00,246

I'll save you!

273

00:18:04,833 -- 00:18:06,168

Hit my mom, will ya?

274

00:18:06,293 -- 00:18:08,296

I'm gonna knock you out

and moon your corpse.

275

00:18:08,464 -- 00:18:11,381

Heck, I'll fight anyone.

Except a man of my own size.

276

00:18:22,643 -- 00:18:25,187

That's... my... son.

277

00:18:38,953 -- 00:18:41,788

Tap out!

Don't make me break your arm!

278

00:18:41,956 -- 00:18:44,874

Lady, why don't you break out

the lipstick and kiss my ass?

279

00:18:45,042 -- 00:18:47,794

There sure is a lot of talkin'

for a professional fight.

280

00:18:47,962 -- 00:18:49,962

That's what you get

when you fight a woman.

281

00:18:50,963 -- 00:18:54,299

And they spend all day eating bonbons

and watching general hospital.

282

00:18:54,633 -- 00:18:56,718

Which, by the way,

has never been better.

283

00:18:58,970 -- 00:19:01,224

Okay, I give! I give!

You're better than me!

284

00:19:01,557 -- 00:19:03,226

Really? Thank you.

285

00:19:03,394 -- 00:19:06,479

Now, let me go!

Turn your back and take a bow.

286

00:19:06,647 -- 00:19:07,688

Okeydoke.

287

00:19:29,251 -- 00:19:31,503

I'd just like to say one thing.

288

00:19:31,628 -- 00:19:33,422

I only agreed to this fight

289

00:19:33,547 -- 00:19:35,841

because I wanted

to stop the violence.

290

00:19:35,966 -- 00:19:39,511

And sure I got into great shape

and met some fun people,

291

00:19:39,636 -- 00:19:43,640

but I ended up discovering

my own dark side.

292

00:19:44,141 -- 00:19:46,477

So from now on,

the only thing I'm fighting

293

00:19:46,602 -- 00:19:48,937

is this cold I'm coming down with.

294

00:19:51,481 -- 00:19:53,942

Mom, that's a beautiful thought.

295

00:19:54,818 -- 00:19:57,072

I wish somebody would've

stuck around to hear it.

296

00:19:57,322 -- 00:19:58,448

Where did they go?

297

00:19:58,616 -- 00:20:02,534

Two drunk guys were fighting outside

and everyone went to watch.

298

00:20:03,285 -- 00:20:04,912

Can I go, Marge?

Can I? Can I?

299

00:20:05,037 -- 00:20:06,747

No. Let's go home.

300

00:20:06,872 -- 00:20:09,875

We can enjoy

some mixed "marital" arts.

301

00:20:10,751 -- 00:20:12,671

No holds barred.

302

00:20:14,630 -- 00:20:15,799

Hey, Lise...

303

00:20:15,967 -- 00:20:18,592

I don't know when we'll be

in a septagon again.

304

00:20:18,717 -- 00:20:22,389

Wanna settle this bad blood

that's been going on since you're born?

305

00:20:23,805 -- 00:20:25,307

You're on.

The Simpsons - 20x01 - Sex  Pies and Idiot Scrapes.FQM.en

11

00:01:10,938 -- 00:01:13,885

Milhouse, watch me

make a loser lose it.

12

00:01:15,432 -- 00:01:17,885

Oh, customers,

how I hate them.

13

00:01:17,886 -- 00:01:20,212

Excuse me. I just heard that

before spider-man was a movie,

14

00:01:20,213 -- 00:01:22,770

It was a comic book--

15

00:01:22,771 -- 00:01:23,963

is that possible?

16

00:01:23,964 -- 00:01:25,663

What the...?

17

00:01:25,664 -- 00:01:27,869

suffering steve ditko!

18

00:01:27,870 -- 00:01:30,901

How can you not know

that spider-man

19

00:01:30,902 -- 00:01:33,665

first appeared

in 1962's classic

20

00:01:33,666 -- 00:01:36,118

Amazing fantasy #15?!

21

00:01:37,605 -- 00:01:39,565

Ooh, 12 cents!

22

00:01:39,566 -- 00:01:40,815

I'll take eight.

23

00:01:40,816 -- 00:01:44,799

What the...? You idiot!

Mint condition copies are, like, $40,000 each!

24

00:01:44,800 -- 00:01:49,507

Must lie down

On pile of unsold hulk hands.

25

00:01:49,508 -- 00:01:53,881

Hulk smash.

26

00:01:55,624 -- 00:01:57,927

Huh? What's this?

27

00:01:57,928 -- 00:02:00,593

"everyman"?

He's not a hero

28

00:02:00,594 -- 00:02:03,427

from marvel, dc,

Image or wildstorm.

29

00:02:03,428 -- 00:02:08,553

"it was a typical day

For delivery man avery mann until..."

30

00:02:08,554 -- 00:02:12,093

Help! Bank robbers!

Shut your yap.

31

00:02:13,173 -- 00:02:15,858

Time for this average man

to disappear.

32

00:02:20,312 -- 00:02:23,160

Look at that fat guy--

beatin' it like an egg.

33

00:02:23,161 -- 00:02:25,662

Yeah, he's scramblinin''

like an egg.

34

00:02:27,265 -- 00:02:28,577

Egg.

Egg.

35

00:02:28,578 -- 00:02:30,502

Laugh while you can.

36

00:02:34,692 -- 00:02:37,772

Everyman absorbs the

powers of every superhero

37

00:02:37,773 -- 00:02:39,790

Whose comic book he touches.

38

00:02:42,274 -- 00:02:44,724

Power-absorption power...

Absorb!

39

00:02:44,725 -- 00:02:46,052

40

00:02:53,622 -- 00:02:56,512

It's just a flyin'

fatso-- keep robbin'.

41

00:02:57,926 -- 00:02:59,448

Good afternoon, gentlemen.

42

00:03:02,886 -- 00:03:06,068

put me in sing-sing!

It's safer!

43

00:03:10,890 -- 00:03:12,357

Perfect.

44

00:03:12,358 -- 00:03:14,809

Plastic man powers--

absorb!

45

00:03:19,758 -- 00:03:21,169

Going somewhere?

46

00:03:23,573 -- 00:03:26,599

Everyman will stop

every crime every time.

47

00:03:26,600 -- 00:03:29,488

And I... Am... Everyman.

48

00:03:29,489 -- 00:03:31,903

Put my comic down.

49

00:03:31,904 -- 00:03:34,066

You made this?!

Shut up.

50

00:03:34,067 -- 00:03:37,548

No one is interested in the critical

judgment of a worthless child...

51

00:03:37,549 -- 00:03:39,354

Actually, I like it.

52

00:03:39,355 -- 00:03:42,923

You what now?

Everyman is awesome.

53

00:03:42,924 -- 00:03:45,219

Reading it, I escaped

from my troubles.

54

00:03:45,220 -- 00:03:47,257

Now they're back

in spades.

55

00:03:47,258 -- 00:03:49,225

Have you shown

this to anyone?

56

00:03:49,226 -- 00:03:52,859

No. If copies got out,

It would be ridiculed by the online community--

57

00:03:52,860 -- 00:03:55,155

Sonofsonofspock, thedorkknight,

58

00:03:55,156 -- 00:03:57,318

and ikilledkenny6475.

59

00:03:57,319 -- 00:04:00,315

Don't be afraid of them.

They're just lame-o's like yourself.

60

00:04:00,316 -- 00:04:01,489

Two of them are me.

61

00:04:01,490 -- 00:04:05,918

Very well.

I... Shall... Self-publish.

62

00:04:05,919 -- 00:04:08,898

How many issues

have you written?

63

00:04:08,899 -- 00:04:13,889

Oh, uh, just 335, including

the controversial number 289,

64

00:04:13,890 -- 00:04:16,296

Featuring the death

of marmaduke.

65

00:04:21,172 -- 00:04:23,388

Comic book guy's been

writing these for years.

66

00:04:23,389 -- 00:04:26,300

Who knew a troubled person

could be creative?

67

00:04:26,301 -- 00:04:29,027

Yeah, still waters

run deep.

68

00:04:41,883 -- 00:04:45,856

I'm so rich.

69

00:05:02,602 -- 00:05:05,148

All right, what's our next big

summer franchise? Come on.

70

00:05:05,149 -- 00:05:06,612

You want an original idea?

71

00:05:06,613 -- 00:05:09,251

Yes. Let your imaginations

run free.

72

00:05:09,252 -- 00:05:11,688

Something that's never

been a movie before,

73

00:05:11,689 -- 00:05:12,994

But feels like it has.

74

00:05:12,995 -- 00:05:14,639

Extension cords.

Mixed nuts.

75

00:05:14,640 -- 00:05:15,725

Car keys.

76

00:05:15,726 -- 00:05:19,917

Eh, we've already made everything

That could possibly be a movie into a great movie.

77

00:05:19,918 -- 00:05:21,377

There's nothin' left.

78

00:05:21,378 -- 00:05:22,816

Dad, can we go?

79

00:05:22,817 -- 00:05:25,068

I've watched all the dvds

in the bentley.

80

00:05:25,069 -- 00:05:26,842

Jonah, what's that

in your hand?

81

00:05:26,843 -- 00:05:29,920

Oh, big surprise that you

don't know what this is.

82

00:05:29,921 -- 00:05:33,740

It's only everyman,

the coolest comic book ever.

83

00:05:33,741 -- 00:05:36,019

What are his powers?

All of them.

84

00:05:36,020 -- 00:05:39,603

That's it. Our next big summer movie

will be everyman.

85

00:05:39,604 -- 00:05:41,804

Uh, marv? Ginormous pictures

bought the rights

86

00:05:41,805 -- 00:05:43,779

To everyman

three weeks ago.

87

00:05:43,780 -- 00:05:44,780

Damn it!

88

00:05:44,781 -- 00:05:46,081

89

00:05:46,082 -- 00:05:49,743

We at ginormous pictures

are incredible fans

90

00:05:49,744 -- 00:05:52,975

And think everyman would

make a fantastic movie.

91

00:05:52,976 -- 00:05:55,955

Oh really? The way you thought 

"stratego" would make a good movie?

92

00:05:55,956 -- 00:05:57,367

You'd expect us to believe

93

00:05:57,368 -- 00:06:00,256

That a red scout

would date a blue general?

94

00:06:00,257 -- 00:06:01,463

95

00:06:01,464 -- 00:06:02,983

Hey, don't blame us--

96

00:06:02,984 -- 00:06:04,758

brett ratner had final cut.

97

00:06:04,759 -- 00:06:06,727

I'm well aware

of who had what cut.

98

00:06:11,514 -- 00:06:12,860

Let me get to the point:

99

00:06:12,861 -- 00:06:16,815

It is not money I am after, or women--

I know that is impossible.

100

00:06:16,816 -- 00:06:20,651

What I want is to pick the

actor who will play everyman.

101

00:06:20,652 -- 00:06:21,910

No can do.

102

00:06:22,593 -- 00:06:23,781

Thank you.

103

00:06:23,782 -- 00:06:25,960

But we never give...

Thank you.

104

00:06:25,961 -- 00:06:29,852

They'll laugh us out of hollywood.

Thank you.

105

00:06:29,853 -- 00:06:32,459

fine. You got it.

Thank you.

106

00:06:35,967 -- 00:06:37,605

I played hardball

with hollywood.

107

00:06:37,606 -- 00:06:40,782

The closest I will ever come

to playing a sport in my life.

108

00:06:42,149 -- 00:06:46,558

"wherever there's

a crime to be solved,

109

00:06:47,529 -- 00:06:48,827

"I will be there to solve...

...It."

110

00:06:48,828 -- 00:06:52,368

And there's more, but my fax machine 

ran out of ink, so I can't read it.

111

00:06:52,369 -- 00:06:55,553

Do you know where you can buy ink

for an amiga brand fax machine?

112

00:06:55,554 -- 00:06:57,615

Thank you, that was great.

113

00:06:57,616 -- 00:06:59,994

You want to see it any other way?

Like sad...

114

00:06:59,995 -- 00:07:03,643

Or brooklyn,

or richard nixon voice?

115

00:07:03,644 -- 00:07:04,693

Pass.

116

00:07:04,694 -- 00:07:07,938

But I already bought a boat

with the money you were gonna pay me.

117

00:07:09,052 -- 00:07:11,508

Come on, comic book guy,

118

00:07:11,509 -- 00:07:14,814

you've gotta pick someone.

We've already read three people.

119

00:07:14,815 -- 00:07:17,752

Don't you latt?sipping

leeches understand?

120

00:07:17,753 -- 00:07:20,651

I've seen enough of these

hollywood super-hunks.

121

00:07:20,652 -- 00:07:23,698

We need a dumpy, unappealing

loser.

122

00:07:23,699 -- 00:07:25,045

-- an everyman

123

00:07:25,864 -- 00:07:28,816

Can you help me out?

I need change for a dollar.

124

00:07:28,817 -- 00:07:30,207

Oh, I also need a dollar.

125

00:07:38,416 -- 00:07:40,066

You... Are...

126

00:07:40,067 -- 00:07:41,182

 Acceptable.

127

00:07:41,183 -- 00:07:43,032

Great. Do you want

to see me naked?

128

00:07:43,033 -- 00:07:45,342

Oh, there's no nudity in this movie.

What movie?

129

00:07:47,014 -- 00:07:48,871

Let's go around the table,

and everybody say

130

00:07:48,872 -- 00:07:51,697

One amazing thing that

happened to them today.

131

00:07:51,698 -- 00:07:53,376

Lisa?

Well, I qualified for

132

00:07:53,377 -- 00:07:55,266

the national math bee--

133

00:07:55,267 -- 00:07:57,800

Great. Marge, go.

Guess who the garden club

134

00:07:57,801 -- 00:08:00,366

Elected president?

You? Awesome. Next.

135

00:08:00,367 -- 00:08:02,894

No. I lost.

Eh, they can go to hell. Bart?

136

00:08:02,895 -- 00:08:05,749

Dr. Hibbert found out my thyroid

isn't pumping out enough--

137

00:08:05,750 -- 00:08:08,915

Time's up. Okay, maggie: "suck,

suck"-- that takes us to... Me.

138

00:08:10,249 -- 00:08:12,247

139

00:08:12,248 -- 00:08:15,472

Some hollywood idiots hired

me to star in a movie.

140

00:08:20,431 -- 00:08:22,095

Homer, we have

a problem.

141

00:08:22,096 -- 00:08:25,528

Fine. I'll give back the oscars

I stole from the lobby.

142

00:08:25,529 -- 00:08:27,686

Do you want the golden globe?

No! No...

143

00:08:27,687 -- 00:08:30,604

But we have a bigger problem.

144

00:08:30,605 -- 00:08:33,152

Homer, my brother and I

showed this picture of you

145

00:08:33,153 -- 00:08:35,422

To a cross-section

of typical moviegoers.

146

00:08:35,423 -- 00:08:37,819

Not one thought you

looked like a superhero.

147

00:08:37,820 -- 00:08:41,305

Several people

stared at the sun,

148

00:08:41,306 -- 00:08:44,957

Attempting to blind themselves.

Against every animal instinct they had.

149

00:08:44,958 -- 00:08:47,349

We need you to slim down, muscle

up and become the everyman

150

00:08:47,350 -- 00:08:49,378

People want to be instead

151

00:08:49,379 -- 00:08:51,432

of the one they actually are.

152

00:08:51,433 -- 00:08:53,935

I don't know if I can.

I'm a yo-yo dieter:

153

00:08:53,936 -- 00:08:57,194

"yo, hot dog man.

Yo, peanuts."

154

00:08:57,195 -- 00:08:59,975

Why aren't you laughing?

Don't you know what "yo" means?

155

00:08:59,976 -- 00:09:02,335

Maybe I can help.

156

00:09:03,231 -- 00:09:04,474

Lyle mccarthy.

157

00:09:04,475 -- 00:09:07,726

Finally, the answer

to my problem.

158

00:09:07,727 -- 00:09:10,824

What do you do?

He's the trainer to the stars.

159

00:09:10,825 -- 00:09:14,608

Here's what brad and angelina

looked like before they met me.

160

00:09:15,523 -- 00:09:18,160

They look good with a

little meat on their bones.

161

00:09:18,161 -- 00:09:21,085

Come with me.

Take my hand, homer,

162

00:09:21,086 -- 00:09:23,989

And wave good-bye

to fat you.

163

00:09:23,990 -- 00:09:25,360

Good-bye, fat me.

164

00:09:25,361 -- 00:09:28,500

You sure that guy who created

everyman's gonna like this?

165

00:09:28,501 -- 00:09:30,584

Him? He's gone hollywood.

166

00:09:33,603 -- 00:09:36,074

...A lot of people have come

to this town and changed,

167

00:09:36,075 -- 00:09:37,075

But not me.

168

00:09:38,100 -- 00:09:39,362

Now excuse me, 

169

00:09:39,363 -- 00:09:42,664

I have to read a story

To my adopted cambodian orphan.

170

00:09:42,665 -- 00:09:46,194

Nannies, produce

the child and the story.

171

00:09:46,195 -- 00:09:50,040

Hello, prius--

give daddy a kiss.

172

00:09:53,161 -- 00:09:56,189

Homer, do you

know why you eat?

173

00:09:56,190 -- 00:09:59,137

Because I'm swallowing

my frustrations and disappointments? 

174

00:09:59,138 -- 00:10:00,583

Something bad happens

175

00:10:00,584 -- 00:10:03,042

and you cope by cramming a donut

in your mouth.

176

00:10:03,043 -- 00:10:05,446

Yeah, well, you don't always

have time to...

177

00:10:05,447 -- 00:10:08,072

I'm gonna teach you

Healthy emotional alternatives 

178

00:10:08,073 -- 00:10:09,129

to eating.

179

00:10:09,130 -- 00:10:10,390

We don't have much time,

180

00:10:10,391 -- 00:10:13,454

So we'll do it in a montage to

the song "eye of the tiger."

181

00:10:15,628 -- 00:10:17,340

Oh, that song's

a little on the nose.

182

00:10:17,341 -- 00:10:19,476

Can we do it to

david bowie's "heroes"?

183

00:10:19,477 -- 00:10:20,649

Eh, it's your montage.

184

00:10:28,119 -- 00:10:30,355

Whew... This montage sounds

really exhausting.

185

00:10:30,356 -- 00:10:32,800

How about I just do a

walking around sad montage?

186

00:10:32,801 -- 00:10:33,850

No.

187

00:10:33,851 -- 00:10:37,134

A montage of me turning a ragtag 

little league team into state runners-up?

188

00:10:37,135 -- 00:10:39,209

No.

Me using funny modes of transportation

189

00:10:39,210 -- 00:10:42,432

Like a hot air balloon and a camel,

And finally a pickup truck full of chickens?

190

00:10:42,433 -- 00:10:45,229

Then I get out of the truck

and go to thank the driver,

191

00:10:45,230 -- 00:10:47,665

But then I see the driver is a chicken?

Let's just skip ahead a month.

192

00:10:47,666 -- 00:10:49,057

193

00:10:49,058 -- 00:10:50,972

10,001... 10,002...

194

00:10:50,973 -- 00:10:52,971

And... Fit.

195

00:10:57,168 -- 00:10:58,185

I gotta take this.

196

00:10:58,186 -- 00:11:01,079

Tobey! Cider house rules!

197

00:11:01,080 -- 00:11:02,664

Total wuss.

198

00:11:02,665 -- 00:11:05,182

Seabiscuit, you keeping

off the sugar cubes?

199

00:11:05,183 -- 00:11:06,771

I hate this guy.

200

00:11:06,772 -- 00:11:08,261

I love this guy!

201

00:11:08,262 -- 00:11:10,379

Tobe, tobe, tobe,

we talked about this.

202

00:11:10,380 -- 00:11:13,267

If the rice ain't brown,

don't chow down.

203

00:11:13,268 -- 00:11:16,034

Look, I gotta bail--

I'm with everyman right now.

204

00:11:16,035 -- 00:11:17,486

No, no, no, no, no, don't worry.

205

00:11:17,487 -- 00:11:18,823

He totally sucks.

206

00:11:18,824 -- 00:11:20,881

I'm only lying to him.

207

00:11:20,882 -- 00:11:23,229

Good-bye!

Bad-bye.

208

00:11:23,230 -- 00:11:24,850

Was that tobey maguire?

209

00:11:24,851 -- 00:11:26,435

Hey, home town buffet,

210

00:11:26,436 -- 00:11:29,776

like I told john travolta,

my client list is private.

211

00:11:29,777 -- 00:11:31,931

You know what?

Enough chitchat.

212

00:11:31,932 -- 00:11:35,225

Hit the pole!

Stripper up...Fireman down.

213

00:11:35,226 -- 00:11:42,991

And sexy.

Heroic!

214

00:11:42,992 -- 00:11:44,293

Earn that money.

215

00:11:45,378 -- 00:11:46,848

Found this

on the roof.

216

00:11:46,849 -- 00:11:50,355

Well, I think we've seen

the last of the purple pariah.

217

00:11:50,356 -- 00:11:52,937

Thanks, everyman.

Don't thank me.

218

00:11:52,938 -- 00:11:54,629

Thank captain america

219

00:11:54,630 -- 00:11:58,103

For giving me the patriotism

to want to save the president's life.

220

00:11:58,104 -- 00:12:01,255

And thank wonder woman

for giving me the boobs

221

00:12:01,256 -- 00:12:03,175

to distract the guards.

222

00:12:03,176 -- 00:12:04,534

And... Cut.

223

00:12:04,535 -- 00:12:06,866

What'd you think, kids?

That was awesome!

224

00:12:06,867 -- 00:12:09,154

Although there were

a few holes in the story.

225

00:12:09,155 -- 00:12:11,355

That's the problem when

you have 17 writers.

226

00:12:11,356 -- 00:12:14,089

But don't worry, we have

two fresh ones working on it.

227

00:12:19,626 -- 00:12:22,379

Ooh, homie, take

your shirt off again.

228

00:12:24,643 -- 00:12:28,742

Oh! There's less of you to love,

But I love you even more!

229

00:12:30,090 -- 00:12:32,392

Aah! What was that?

Your other hand.

230

00:12:51,180 -- 00:12:54,340

Cut! Terrific.

Bring in the next helicopter.

231

00:12:57,052 -- 00:12:59,804

Awesome performance, homer. 

I smell oscar.

232

00:12:59,805 -- 00:13:03,555

Oscar, take a shower,

or a tomato bath or something. Please!

233

00:13:04,426 -- 00:13:06,222

This life is the greatest--

234

00:13:06,223 -- 00:13:09,842

I get paid a fortune,

I've got a closet full of free sneakers and watches,

235

00:13:09,843 -- 00:13:12,279

And I get to hire

my friends.

236

00:13:12,280 -- 00:13:15,216

At least you get to see

my face-- unlike carl.

237

00:13:15,217 -- 00:13:17,776

I'm being paid

to do what I love!

238

00:13:20,407 -- 00:13:24,980

A lot of things come and go in life,

But not fame and fitness.

239

00:13:24,981 -- 00:13:27,587

Homer! Homer sapian,

240

00:13:27,588 -- 00:13:30,078

can I have a word with you?

I know this is a bad time, but

241

00:13:30,079 -- 00:13:32,298

but

I'm leaving for another gig.

242

00:13:32,299 -- 00:13:35,653

Is that all this temporary

job was to you, 

243

00:13:35,654 -- 00:13:39,305

a gig?

Don't take it personally, home team.

244

00:13:39,306 -- 00:13:41,829

But how will I keep

from overeating?

245

00:13:41,830 -- 00:13:43,925

Just remember

what I taught you.

246

00:13:43,926 -- 00:13:46,404

But you taught me the only people

who can stay thin

247

00:13:46,405 -- 00:13:48,524

Are those who can

afford 

248

00:13:48,525 -- 00:13:50,422

$5,000-a-week

nutritional consultants!

249

00:13:50,423 -- 00:13:53,085

I've taught you well. Good-bye.

250

00:13:59,984 -- 00:14:03,269

251

00:14:07,649 -- 00:14:10,238

He's gone.

252

00:14:10,239 -- 00:14:12,449

253

00:14:12,450 -- 00:14:14,919

One cheese cube couldn't hurt.

254

00:14:16,534 -- 00:14:18,944

Ooh! This other cheese cube

stuck to the first one.

255

00:14:18,945 -- 00:14:21,231

Well, that still

technically counts as one.

256

00:14:23,581 -- 00:14:26,835

Mm, it's bad luck to eat an

uneven number of cheese cubes.

257

00:14:37,720 -- 00:14:39,977

Don't look at me!

258

00:14:40,581 -- 00:14:42,627

Don't look at me!

259

00:14:42,628 -- 00:14:44,359

You, you watch.

260

00:14:47,986 -- 00:14:51,632